quarta-feira, 18 de março de 2009

Sobre Qualquer Coisa Que Eu Continuo Sem Saber .

   Talvez minha amargura seja mesmo estranhamento perante a mim. Quem sabe, por não entender exatamente o que me leva ao silêncio, eu me perturbe tanto com a quietude. Entende-se quietude como isolamento, busca de refúgio dentro da tempestade. Porque eu sempre tive a crença besta de que se eu me entregasse às minhas dores e aos meus temores eles enjoariam de mim ou eu deles. O mais provável é eu me entediar com o que eu sinto.

   Francamente, eu queria a materialização de alguém bem à minha frente, enquanto eu estiver escrevendo o parágrafo seguinte. Então, esse alguém se postará silente, seguindo com os olhos o movimento da caneta e tentando, impaciente, decifrar meus garranchos cuspidos. É óbvio que não conseguirá ler palavra alguma, quiçá, um ‘e’, um ‘a’ ou um ‘de’, um ‘os’: elos idiotas que porventura se destaquem aqui ou mais acolá. Daí, simplesmente inventará o que sobrevém. A minha caneta será um fio de pensamento estúpido que gerará sucessões de improbabilidades. Durante dois minutos nossas respirações aflitas, como as palavras que me surgem, sugaram a matéria ao nosso redor e matarão o som. No silêncio mórbido, quebrado apenas pelo barulho longínquo que arqueja dentro de mim, eu descreverei alguém que já vi e não me lembro. Pensará em corrigir um detalhe ao outro; será que acredita mesmo que tem os olhos claros ou os lábios mais cheios que linhas marcantes? Não se importa mais, também não me custa errar agora: um erro nascido é um erro acabado. Mas receará novamente quando deduzir o fim se desenrolando com a mesma pressa que escrevo: e eu, acreditem, sei agora perto de nada. Puxará a cadeira tentando impedir ruídos, e se sentará suavemente, o corpo inteiro será surdo e mudo. As órbitas seguindo o ir-e-vir de minha mão trêmula, e suas palmas serão duas conchas apoiando a cabeça sustentada pelos cotovelos sobre a mesa. Nas pausas longas, como a que antecedeu estás vírgulas, fará menção de balbuciar a próxima palavra, mas da boca entreaberta nascerá um sorriso orgulhoso, eu ouvirei uma arfada e descobrirei o verbo seguinte. E quando me vier o impulso de arrancar esta folha e comê-la aqui mesmo, sem mastigar, alguém suspenderá o meu queixo com o indicador e me obrigará a encarar a felicidade. Tomará a caneta úmida de suor e me convencerá a ler isto em voz alta. Eu leio, e não vejo.

   Faz trinta segundos que passaram quatro minutos.

   Eu preciso ir e ninguém me veio. Este final é mesmo melancólico, porém suprime qualquer coisa que eu não sei enxergar. E há algo à frente: além dessa sequencia de cadeiras vazias, além da mágoa, destas palavras desperdiçadas e dessa bosta de sensação onírica. O desconhecido vem me torturar e, mesmo sendo rigidamente castigado, não consigo exaurir em gritos a vida que se perde aqui.

   _______________________________________________________________________

   20 horas depois: eram risos alegres, e agora não são. Agora é perto de nada: só isto.

43 comentários:

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Vou voltar pra ler seus escritos, abra um link para acompanhamento, assim ficarei por dentro de suas atualizações
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não acho possível que sentimentos causem tédio,
eles estão sempre ou crescendo, ou mudando ou apenas secando.
apesar de que quase nunca são muito bons.

ainda cultivas a mesma crença besta?

até :*

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se este tédio te sufoca, já é hora de encarar tudo com os olhos constantes. afinal, quem mais poderia domina-lo além de você mesmo?

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Eu não acredito em silêncio quando se trata de literatura. Até o não dito diz. É como se você estivesse num palco diante de várias pessoas e o "não agir", o estar parado diante de uma multidão se tornasse uma ação. Torna-se, de fato. Reverbera em. É o que acontece quando se tenta ler e não se vê. Vê-se um certo "não visto" que, assim como o "não agir" se torna uma ação, torna-se um campo de visão. Porque isso se torna estético, entende? Abraços,
Ziggy

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O último parágrafo é tradução de um dos meus lados. Lado este, que se expõe despudoradamente, nos últimos dias.

Fiquei a pensar no nosso diálogo de outra dia, quando você disse viver um sonho. Eu, insone. Madrugadas, e dias que são noites. Dias, com duas noites. Quatro escuridões. Eu querendo ir e ninguém vindo.

Não sei comentar, por isso me perdi. Fechar de olhos me dá medo.

Na minha incoerência do hoje, deixo um aceno tímido, de longe, pra você.

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Perto de nada? Sempre podemos encontrar o que queremos encontrar em nós mesmos. E por mais que "as coisas que não sabemos enxergar" são suprimidas, não podemos deixa-las de lado. Sempre há algo para aprendermos. Sempre há uma esperança. E talvez quando esta vier, a mágoa se levante e se retire.

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